A controversial statement, but something that I think needs to be spoken about more often: I don't want kids. For some reason, this subject seems taboo, and people are often shocked when they learn I am choosing a life without children. Some think it's because I am in a same-sex marriage whilst others think I am just being naive, but honestly it's just as simple as I don't want a child.
In 2022, there was a 3.1% drop in the amount of babies born in just a single year compared to 2021. I know that doesn't seem a lot, but when we look at the numbers that's almost 20,000 less children in one year. Not only that, but a study recently conducted showed that couples who said they aren't planning on having children also increased from about 5-8% in the 60's & 70's to 8-16% in the 90's % 00's.
Not only are less people having children, those who are having kids are looking to do it later on in life. In 1971 only 18% of 30 year old's had no children, today in 2023 the percentage has risen to just over 50%.
So you might ask, why the hell am I writing a blog about this? Well, to start off with I wanted to talk about why we even ask if people are going to have kids. It seems liken innocent enough question, but I know for so many couples it can be a devastating blow. Couple's who are struggling to conceive, have suffered a miscarriage or have been told there are infertility issues, being asked when they're going to have kids is heartbreaking. It's 2023 and I think it's about time we start normalising NOT asking these types of questions.
For me, not having a baby is a personal choice. From a young age, I grew up learning about marriage and everything that traditionally comes afterwards. I was surrounded by mainly straight couples who all had at least one child. I watched TV shows and movies where the male and female always pined for a baby. As a teenager, school friends would talk about growing up and getting married, what kind of man they'd want in their life and how many kids they'd have. Something that just seemed so alien to me.
Now, I just want to say, just because I am in a same sex relationship is not the reason I don't want kids. I can't tell you how many times people have presumed that I'm not having kids because I'm married to a woman. I just want to take a minute to remind you all that lgbtq+ couples can do whatever they like, including having babies. If your own child comes out to your, please don't automatically assume they aren't going to have kids of their own. Having a child now within this community is becoming a very normal thing, which is incredible.
(Photo of me aged aprx 4 with my nephew, face scribbled for privacy reasons).
When Debs and I met back in 2011, I was just 17 years old. I honestly had no idea what I wanted out of life but I certainly wasn't expecting to find love at such a young age. As I grew older, and our relationship changed I started thinking more about our future and what I wanted it to look like. We began travelling more and more and experiencing things that honestly you just can't do with kids in tow. In my early twenties I'd made up my mind. I was going to lead a life without children in it.
Debs had already told me years earlier she wasn't interested in having kids, and we always (even now) have open discussions about how we feel about the possibility of children.
*If you're currently in a relationship and haven't yet had the talk about babies, I implore you to do it.
Family and friends tell me all the time that I'll change my mind, and I've been told on occasion that I'm making a mistake, but as each year passes by I become more and more sure that motherhood just isn't for me. I get asked so often "but why?" so that's why I'm here. I thought I'd put together some of the main reasons that help me decide, and re-decide year after year that I don't want kids.
I just don't.
I'm not really sure how to explain this as it seems difficult for so many to understand but, I just don't want kids. That maternal pull that people talk about and the "broodiness" I hear women discuss just isn't in my DNA.
I want to live without restriction.
I want to say yes to all the holidays, all the plans, all the experiences that you can't take part in with kids in tow. I want to get up at whatever time I want, or stay in bed all day if I choose. I want to continue with my career without a break in-between. I want to spend time alone with my wife. I want to watch what I want on TV and I want to make plans purely based on how I feel rather than thinking of someone else and their needs.
I want all the money.
Another taboo statement, I know, but I want to spend every penny I earn on what I want. I want all the holidays, first class flights, adult only hotels, fine dining and unique experiences and for that, I'm going to need all of the money.
Parenthood never ends.
In 2022 a study was conducted which showed the average age of kids moving out of their parents home is 25, and that's on average. Some stay into their thirties and beyond. The cost of living crisis is at an all time high and it's getting harder and harder for young people to get a job, move out and start their own lives. And you know who has to help pick up the slack? You guessed it. The parents.
Finally, have you seen the news lately?
Sometimes, especially in a new place or late at night, I'm scared to walk alone. I'm afraid even with someone by my side because the world is a terrifying place. I already suffer with anxiety and depression and I don' think my mental health could cope with worrying about another human being.
Honestly, there are many more reasons I'm choosing not to have kids but these are the one's that make my decision one of the easiest I've made in life. Ultimately, I want a life that revolves around me. I know that sentence seems so selfish or self absorbed to some but I think it's time to normalise wanting to do things just for you.
I wanted to finish off this blog by saying that in no way am I trying to minimise the joy of having kids. I believe that for some, having children is their purpose in life and I have friends who couldn't imagine their life without kids. Debs and I both adore children and are grateful to have nieces and nephews that we get to spend time with, learn from and watch grown into their own little personalities as the years pass. We're getting all of the joys of parenthood without any of the real responsibilities, and for some that's enough.
If you're having doubts about having kids, or you're just not sure what you want in life, the best thing to do is to talk about it with someone who's impartial and open minded. In your case, it might be a friend or a family member, or it might be someone in a more professional setting such as a therapist. Choosing to have children is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, so please don't make it lightly.
I did some digging on the web and found this great article written by a real therapist who helps people see what they want out of life on a regular basis. Click here to read her thoughts.
Becca x
Kommentarer